Why would anyone in their right mind choose to get involved in an intimate relationship with a man or woman who hates them? Logically, it seems that would be a big turn off and the impetus for an instant break up. Unfortunately, very often, the exact opposite happens.
Many of us say that we want a loving partner, someone who cares for us above all others. We tell our friends that we are looking for a kind, generous caring man or woman. We write in our journal that we want all these wonderful, giving qualities in our chosen partner. And then we fall in love with someone whose traits don't quite match what we say and believe we want. Why does that happen?
In my experience, it appears to actually be more difficult to love someone who is kind and caring. We need to be extremely secure to love, appreciate and be sexually aroused by kindness, empathy and affection. We need to understand that showing emotions, getting hurt, and wanting to be close, are not signs of weakness. We need to also understand that showing brevado, acting cool and indfferent, acting superior and criticizing and controlling, are not signs of strength.
When our partner is difficult, demanding, self-centered, egotistical and not paying attention to our requests and needs, that forces us to look outside our own self. We become focused on finding ways to placate, to reach, to connect and to handle our unreasonable partner. But if our partner is kind and loving and open, we do not have to work so hard to please them. We know we can get away with making less effort. We do not feel challenged to do more than we feel like doing in any given moment. And then we begin to focus on our partner's flaws.